My birthday month
And a slight middle life-crisis
I really treasure markers of time in our lives. Every new year, the beginning of a month, and even a new moon becomes a moment to stop, take stock, reassess, and move forward. But on my birthday this month (June 25th), I caught myself having conflicted feelings.
I just turned 37, and even though I've never had a problem with getting older, it feels heavier and closer to 40 than 36 ever did. Talking about what this number means to me is a whole can of worms that I'm just starting to unpack. It's so easy to be imprisoned by your perception of self and the reality you're living in. And even though I feel happy right now, I also feel lived-in.
During this time of uncertainty about the future and spiraling thoughts about where I am, I decided to change my perspective and went looking through things I did and learned instead.
My journals
For a long time, journals have been a big part of my life, but the pandemic made them important on a whole different level. They helped me learn how to think, write, and create again. They gave me the space for ideas to exist, grow, complain, twist and turn until they became what they needed to be.
They helped me through some really rough moments and many creative crises, and here are some of the things I've learned and written about these past few years.
1. Because I want to not because I have to
The creative path is unknown and you can easily get lost in it. It's natural and even commonly recommended to follow the steps of those who came before us. We copy to learn and also because we want to move forward in life. Consequently, it's easy to start making decisions that aren't compatible with what you really want when you're only guided by others' opinions.
You should recognize the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic goal. For me, extrinsic choices usually surface when I keep thinking I have to do something even when I don't want to. And the times I force myself to do it, more often than not, it's an incredibly unfulfilling and empty experience.
2. Not what you have to say but what you need to learn
I have been frozen and stiff whenever I had to create something based on what I thought I wanted to say. What is on the surface of who you are is usually a watered-down, stale version of what you once believed. Creativity is so connected with curiosity, and that is why when you are stuck, you should try to learn. And if you can, make art along the way.
3. Not what is, nor what should be, but what could be
This has been a helpful way of thinking outside the box when the path is too boring. When the end is already too delimited, it can mean you are just doing something that is easy because you know how to do it perfectly. You are playing it safe.
4.How you live your days is how you live your life
I believe this was a Stoic saying Ryan Holiday introduced me to, and it really struck a chord with me.
Days go by so fast and keep you stuck in a routine, filled with duties and the worst life can bring. It is easy to be frustrated, stressed out, and hoping for a break. But life is not only lived on the weekends, or in that one time a year doing the thing you were really looking forward to. Life is in all the micro-decisions of how we spend our hours each day.
5. How you love, how you give and how you suffer is just the sum of who you are
As humans, we only exist in the context of others, and these can be choices of how much time, energy, and love you give. To me, it's what drives me and what helps me see clearly how I want to spend my time.
6. Push through the discomfort
Everything we do has a period of discomfort where it doesn't feel right, safe, or intuitive.
In projects, they happen at the beginning, middle, and end, and it can be hard to keep going and finish anything. But apparently, according to science, going through hard things is necessary to make something meaningful.
7. Where the mind goes, energy flows
This was something (yoga with) Adrienne said, and it applies to so many aspects of life. I see it when a decision guides me to focus on what I really want and also when a thought keeps me spiraling into shame, fear, or sadness.
Knowing we have control over it, even when it doesn't feel like it, can help.
8. The right thing for right now
Decision paralysis is a bitch, and what has helped me a lot is thinking something is better than nothing and we can always adjust. It's not relinquishing decision-making but making it a process and not the end result.
9. We overestimate what we can do in a day and underestimate what we can make in a year.
And the trouble with that is that we judge ourselves on daily performance when it's so hard to make meaningful things in just 24 hours.
I've seen firsthand how 10 minutes a day snowballs into something amazing after some time. You just need patience and consistency.
10. Look towards the future with care and hope
The present can be bleak and sad, and the future sounds less and less appealing. And it's because of this that it's essential to keep hoping and give some love to what still can be. Better to think that we can than that we never could
We are falling, but we are in this together.
Some last bits
The exhibition went well and I’m incredibly grateful for all the love and the people that came.
My heart breaks for Iran and bleeds for Gaza.
I hope you are well.
Love this!