Lost & Found Connections
On the meaning of friendships
For a long time, I've been thinking about what friendship means to me. July 30th was International Friendship Day, and I thought it was a good enough excuse to write about it.
I was a lonely kid. My parents moved to a state in Brazil where we didn't have family nearby, and I was around adults for most of my childhood. We also lived in a state where being Asian was not very common, and they made it very clear that I didn't belong there. Everywhere I went, everyone I met made my otherness clearly known, and that isolated me even more.
It took a lot of time, luck, and understanding to find my people. It then took even more effort to keep them. But one thing I'm sure of: life became better, and now I have some perspective about why that is.
Friends are a place
I always thought that the lack of friendships was a separate problem from my mental health, but nowadays, studies show that "loneliness is not merely the result of depression; indeed it leads to depression. (Lost Connections, Johann Hari )
Friends are a safe space to be heard and to learn how to exist. They give us perspective on what is to come and what else matters in the world, shining light on the beautiful parts of life.
We need to be seen
Loneliness isn’t the physical absence of other people, it’s the sense that you are not sharing anything that matters with anyone else. - “Lost Connections”, Johann Hari
It's this certainty that your existence matters and that you are being seen.
I was talking about this with my dear, talented friend Eunie KJ, and we discussed how friends can be a space to be our most vulnerable selves. It is where we can finally see who we are, or at least who we want to be.
Eun was a truly safe space during one of the worst and best times of my life. She is also one of the first artist friends I ever had, someone who gave me courage and confidence to keep working and improving for the past 10 years.
There are parts of you that can only exist if you believe in them. Growth takes time, and you will need the encouragement of people you love and who love you back to help you believe in yourself along the way.
We need to be vulnerable
To find meaning in life, you have to show people who you really are. But first, you need to figure out who that actually is - and that's really hard to do by yourself. It becomes this painful cycle of needing and bleeding.
Lonely people need more love and more reassurance than what they would need in the first place and the tragedy, is that many depressed and anxious people receive less love because they become hard to be around. - “Lost Connections”, Johann Hari
Being vulnerable takes real courage. And the cruel irony is that when you need connection the most, it hurts the most too.
It’s part of finding meaning in life
Our values have changed. We live in a world that's all about buying stuff and looking out for yourself. We're constantly told that having more things will make us happy, and that we need to figure out our own problems on our own. But here's the thing - the more isolated we get, the more we focus on material stuff, and the more we chase things outside ourselves for happiness, the more miserable we actually become.
No one can hold together all the pieces of you
one of my greatest
mistakes
was believing
that another person
could hold together
all the pieces of me
“Inward” - Yung Pueblo
You need more pillars for the foundation of your being. No one person should be responsible to hold everything for someone else. It’s hard enough to stand.
It takes work to be effortless
I find it interesting that we often say “let’s catch up” as a default because it implies we are somehow behind. I know in my most cherished friendships, we don’t catch up, but keep up. - Madeleine Dore
I'm so grateful that friends I've loved from different chapters of my life are still part of it today. But that didn't just happen - I had to deliberately make time and space to build those deep connections. These friendships need attention here and there, but I learned to trust they will be there even when I don’t have the time to do that.
It’s a real effort to have something that feels effortless.
Some last bits
I can’t stop listening to Nemahsis. Also, I didn’t know Palestine would remind me so much of Brazil.
I mentioned a lot of times in this post but “Lost Connections” by Johann Hari was a heartbreaking read. Highly recommend.
Such an inspiring peek inside Guillermo del Toro’s notes
Beautiful. Mari, todos temos diferentes percursos pra nos tornarmos um "i don't belong here" in a way, quando se dá conta disso, alguma vez na vida. E se não dá, aí, já nem sei. Vai ver são quem "não tem lugar de fala aqui", os tais q se acham, os "herdeiros da porra toda", aquelas pessoas quem tudo sempre lhes esteve à mão, a tal zona de conforto. Crescendo numa capital e imerso numa dita elite intelectual da maior universidade da América Latina, nem isso foi capaz de fazer de mim, alguém q pertencia a algo. E não foi por cor de pele, raça (o q é isso, eniueis?), senão por me saber classe média, em meio à tal classe média alta dos anos 80, sim hoje deve ser um pouco diferente: lá back in those hey days, em casa entre irmãos não se brigava por comida, mas tbém raramente era um mesmo álbum de figurinhas pra cada um. Aliás, nunca. Era somente um. E estávamos num cluster de gente q tinha melhores condições, sem dúvida. E isso, num reduto da cidade em que gente de nossa ascendência já era bem comum, numa escola em de nível fundamental em q chegávamos no "pré/ jardim da infância até o último ano (a oitava série) com mais ou menos os mesmos amigose de mesma ascendência. Raros eram os ""outros"". Nem isso me impediu de uma vez fora de lá, "colegial" com muitas das mesmas caras de anos anteriores começar a consolidar essa sensação de "You don't belong" (pausa pra buscar a letra e canção correspondente ao título entre aspas, por Mr. Brett, de Bad Religion). Óbvio, fui escutar esse som, anos depois, você já crescidinha. Mas enfim, minha "cartinha de volta" pra ti: a verdade é q amizades são coisas raras, cultive-as com empenho, dedicação quase abnegada muitas vezes, pois vão rareando e inevitável, morrem. Afinal, nascemos sós. Iremos sós. Verdade também q muitos optam pela solitude. E isso não é de tudo, mal. O mal está em tudo q se torna trendy demais. Porque vende e comprar muito essas coisas é o q vc apontou na sua letter. Valeu!